My son, the zen buddhist master (formerly "Going great")

Such a long time since my last post.. I had this draft put together a week after I gave birth but never finished it and never posted it. It's just a paragraph and it's really scattered but here it is:

"Labor went great .. so much better than the best way I imagined it could go. Turns out the fact that it was my 2nd did help. The fact that I obsessively ensured his positioning (not reclining, pelvic rocking 20 mins before bed, laying on the left side, etc) paid off. I've heard so many stories of women who had back labor with all their babies that I was certain I was going to end up having back labor this time around just like the first time. Did not happen. The fact that he was at station +1 also helped. Labor was 3 hours in total from the first contraction to his delivery. By the time I realized I was in actual labor it was actually too late to make it to the car. Midwife and birth assistant got to our place 30 minutes before he was delivered because by the time everyone left to meet us at the birthing center I was too far along to be driving anywhere. I remember hubby on the phone with the midwife on speakerphone and her hearing me pant when she said she's coming over. I snicker at the thought at what this would have looked like if I would have seen an OB instead .. can you imagine calling an American doctor saying "Can you please come over instead of overseeing your other 10 women in labor in the hospital? I don't think I can make it over there". It would have been hubby delivering the baby with instructions from 911 at that point .. or the EMT. Either way, not relaxing or very reassuring. Within 5 minutes of their getting to our place the bedroom was prepped with whatever they could find around here. Labor, as the short ones tend to be, was very intense. It literally felt like a rocket was launching out of my uterus during transition and there were a few minutes there when i thought I wasn't going to make it through, whatever that meant (I simply don't remember)."

So there it was, almost 6 months ago, and time flies by so fast. Julian is wonderful. He is my loverboy .. he cuddles and likes to nozzle me and shoots me these charming and flirtatious smiles while he's nursing and I'm smitten. Mr. G continues to be a stubborn and completely charming 3 year old who eats my soul alive. He now loves going to his (new) school .. the montessori system is working great for him. He's also the best helper in the land .. toys are completely worthless; what he wants to do is wash dishes and clean and do laundry. That does sound wonderful but when it's a 3 year old doing it it's really additional work when you have that sort of "help". Mr G, however, has the most to teach me: patience, imperfection as living art, taking things as they come, embracing failure, learning to enjoy the simple things and most importantly that every minute has a life of its own and it should be honored as such. Yes, my oldest son, the 3 year old, is a zen buddhist master.

Five years ago I would have never thought it would be me saying "I feel so unbelievably lucky to have two wonderful children" but the truth is I feel I would have missed out on so much had they not graced us with their existence. Yes I would have travelled more, tried more restaurants, made more friends, SLEPT more (oh, elusive, comfortable sleep) but at the end of the day, life is wonderful. Hard, exhausting, thankless (sometimes showerless) but wonderful.. real, physical, intense, emotional. Wonderful.

So blah ..

Today is raining so that doesn't help. Dropped off the child at preschool and for the first time he actually cried when I left. Cried .. with tears. He's been going through a bad period lately of not listening and I spend 99% of my time with him asking him the same thing 1000 times until he screams back a "Yes" or "No" or telling him not to do something, 1000 times, until i have to drag him or stop him or whatever. It's been sort of a bad 2 weeks after a really really good 2 weeks. It's probably because I'm so tired lately and have been spending less time with him. He's been spending a lot of time with his dad which is great. They're getting along better now than ever. But I think that's why he was so upset with me leaving this morning .. I considered just taking him back home but I don't think that would be a good thing for either of us right now. He would continue to get in trouble the whole day, I'll scold him constantly and then I'll lose it and cry the whole afternoon because I'm just that hormonal of a mess.

I'm also tired of reading parenting books .. they're worthless for kids this age. Your 3 year old is going to go through this sort of crap no matter how much you spank him or yell at him or ignore him or show him attention. They just do. There's no one way to deal with a misbehaving 3 year old .. that's why so few of them actually behave and that's why parents with 3 year olds tend to not do a lot of social things: they're saving themselves the headache of going through this shit in unfamiliar spaces where they don't have control of the situation. That's also why there are a million opinions on how to "raise" or "discipline" or "guide" a 3 year old and none of them work for a majority of people. That's also why there are an infinite number of books on the subject, all of them completely worthless. Period. This is also why the idea of a "nuclear family" is idiotic from most perspectives. Kids need a variety of adults and kids of other ages to learn (good and bad) things from .. at different stages and throughout various short spurts they relate to different personalities better and loading 100% of that on two individuals (parents) who are already very alike (most likely why they're together, right?) is bad for the kids and bad for the parents. Now, I will not subject my "nuclear family" to psychologically abusive grandparents (mine) or overzealous religious and repressed grandparents (hubby's). I won't subject my kids to that and I can't personally deal with that sort of behavior. I often wonder if we should have even had kids given how screwed up our families are. I guess I just assumed that people just raised kids as a couple and that's that. I'm starting to believe that's unhealthy.

Tomorrow is my due date. It was this past sunday based on the ultrasound but tomorrow is the calendar date. The first time I was just over a week early but this time around I haven't made any progress .. well, other than baby has been at +1 station for over a week now. If you don't know what that means it's the position of the baby in the birth canal .. they start at -5 and at +5 their heads are ready to emerge. So +1 means a lot of grinding of his head on my pelvis, aka not very comfortable. Other than that, as far as I know, no effacement or dilatation. Going to get checked again tomorrow but I'm sort of pessimistic for some reason. It makes it hard to feel like giving birth to a second baby when you feel like you're a shitty mother to your first. I hate these hormones!!!

There's a bunch of other stuff going on. Like our best friends who have been planning on being around to babysit while I'm in labor letting me know 5 days in advance they will be gone for 4 days starting the day after I'm due. Haven't lost my trust in someone that fast ever. I'm still so upset I don't even really want to talk about it yet.

O. K.

No, I'm not really ok. OK as in "I'm as ready for today/this week/this month as I can be so OK, let's go".

I keep coming back here to bitch (sorry!) but the past few years have been a rolercoaster and the past 9 months, well, don't get me started. Fucking hormones! It's been horrible but I've got 20 days till my due date and after that a few more months of the hormones hopefully subsiding and then maybe a little more back to as normal as you can be with an infant and a toddler in the house.

Thursday night I started having 1 minute contractions every 5 minutes, then 3, then 2 for 5 hours .. and then they stopped. So I've been fretting and stressing about what this may mean. Does it mean a long labor again? Does it mean I'll need to be induced? Does it mean another month of waiting? Turns out no one knows what it means cose we don't really know anything about our bodies. Even the most learned doctor cannot tell you for sure why the hell your body does most of what it does. They have some A to C theories but why A and C exist and whether there's a B in there and what role it plays? forget about it. Anywho, the midwife (the knowledge on the matter I trust about 100,000 more than any OB's) says it's my body doing some work before the labor getting things ready. And you know what? That's good enough for me. Things are getting ready. The baby dropped, my hormone dial is at dangerous levels and baby is ROT again (which is pretty much posterior) which absolutely sucks after sleeping on your left side for so long your whole body is constantly sore and doing 40 minutes of pelvic tilts a day that kill your wrists and shoulders. God, I don't want another back labor .. and I don't want another 22 hours of labor, but Gregory was ROT and turned posterior and that's what happened. So we'll see. 2 nights ago baby was LOA .. friggin perfect.

Otherwise the toddler is behaving like a teenager with the snap backs and stuff. Lots of tantrums again for the past 2 weeks probably because I've been snappy and not really the best role model myself. I had to set my project aside because my brain barely works (really, I have a hard time keeping up with a fast conversation .. it's bad). So when dealing with a fast moving, fast talking, emotional toddler I lose it lately.

Everything else is in flux now too: our lease is expiring and we want to move but haven't found a new place yet. We have to turn in today whether we're staying another month, 6 months or 12 months. Problem with 1 month is that it's a lot more expensive. Problem with 12 months is that we don't really want to stay here AND it's expensive. Problem with 6 months is that it's in the middle of the school year and we will have to drive to this side of town for Gregory's school for another 6-8 months after that until we can switch kindergarden or pre-K, which can mean another 1.5 hours added to the daily commute.

On top of that hubby is very possibly getting a new job in the next month (awesome opportunity if it works out), the contract for the position I'm supposed to be starting in July has not come through (2 week delay) and it sort of depends if I can do some work next week (which is uncertain given that I might go into labor any moment now based on the happenings of 2 nights ago), we'll have a new baby and the school Gregory goes to suddenly realized they won't have any openings till 2013 even though we were on the waiting list. Daycares are really really hard to come by around here so not being on any other waiting list sort of screwed us. Now we're stuck with 2 different schools, one of which is still to be located, and around here, with the crazy traffic, that is not good news.

Seems like everything is up in the air. And the hardest unknown to deal with at the moment is this labor and the baby. How is this child going to be? Is he healthy? Does he have any defects that will prevent him from having a happy, simple life? Will he draw so much more energy and time from us that we won't be able to do a good job parenting Gregory? How will he affect our relationship?

Things are better ..

.. and hoping the trend continues. Toddler still takes 1-2 hours to fall asleep but now without as much screaming/crying and without one of us having to be in the room. I really hope this is a lasting change because I was having nervous breakdowns on a nightly basis .. listen to you kid screaming "mommmyyyyy" that much while fighting going to bed when you know getting 8 hours of sleep for him is not enough and unhealthy and will give him a miserable day tomorrow and you'll be pulling your hair over what you're doing wrong and what a horrible person you are, as well. Anyway ..

Still unemployed but since I can't really survive without the stress of deadlines and "accomplishing" we've decided this is the perfect time to develop an idea I've had. So startup it is. Gives me something to fret over (other than housework and stuff) and get distracted by which is seemingly something I really need in order to stay sane. We'll see where this goes but I'm 100% in .. there's no trying or wishy-washy attempts. I'm already busting my butt and stressing myself in the process a lot more than I should but damn it I want it and I want it bad!

Unemployment

So this is my first day of being officially unemployed. I have 3 1/2 months until baby comes and 3 1/2 months of doing whatever the heck I want because seemingly no one wants to hire a pregnant woman this close to her due date (although, 3 months is not that close). My whole office got laid off effective of the 31st so ta-da!

I am really sort of hating this already. It's 1PM and I haven't really done anything. Put dishes away, started laundry and then applied for some jobs per requirement of the unemployment office. We've decided the toddler is staying in school so the unemployment will cover that .. and just that. He's going through potty training, having a hard time in general with going to bed and tantrums and all that and there's a baby on the way so taking him out of the school he's been in for the past year does not seem like a good idea. There will be plenty of changes coming, he doesn't need to be uprooted from his friends and routine. Plus, once I start looking for a job I will need to make sure he will be in school. In this area preschools have long waiting lists so I am not willing to risk not having a place for him to go.

On the other hand unemployment covers his school and that's about it which terrifies me. We have some saved up but we had a savings plan for the next 3 months and weren't planning on living off of savings until end of March. So I'm freaking out a little bit. There's some credit and some 401k if we really need to but that doesn't give me any sort of comfort.

Then there's the migraines (or at least that's the last conclusion we got to) .. with the faintness and the going blind and the seeing painful bright spots, which is not very conducive to jobs requiring standing or hauling stuff around. I was convinced this was the way to go. Everyone told me to stay home .. that my mental and physical state are in need of some recuperation. And they're probably right.

So again, here it is, 1PM. By this time I would have worked on some code, helped out a few coworkers, committed some stuff, attended a meeting, planned tasks for the rest of the week, etc. But instead I've gotten very little done. I guess I should take it easy on myself. It's my first day and it's damned depressing to be here. But there are some benefits:
1. I do have a long list of things that need doing around the house
2. we'll be able to eat better since now I will have time to actually go to the grocery store, cook, etc (this relates more to having the energy not just the time .. which lately I've been missing despite the 3/4 of an espresso shot I allow myself a little of throughout the day)
3. There are a couple of technologies useful in future jobs I will have time to read/learn about
4. Have a lot of books I would like to finish (some of parenting, buddhism and the two I haven't had  chance to finish Schumpeter's "Capitalism socialism and democracy" and Smith's "The theory of moral sentiments"
5. Finally some time when I can work out .. I'm 6 months pregnant and have not worked once in this entire pregnancy which makes me feel very unprepared for The Event which last time took 22 hours and a lot of physical work; last time I had also worked out AND done yoga on an almost daily basis.

So, some bright spots there.

Meh

I had a lot of self-directing anger but what was left by the time I reached my computer was just this washed up fatalistic attitude. I've been seriously depressed lately questioning everything from my existence to the existence of baby #2. I am so hopeless about the world yet I bring another creature in it? For what? To expand the suffering to someone I love and continue to maintain, actually, worsen the status quo of the world? What a fucking idiot am I?

And of course all the doubts I've had positive answers to are now showing their monstrous heads as if before I had only peaked at them in the dark; as if I didn't really understand, but now, after the fact it's all become clear. Clearer because of what? because my brain is drowning in extra hormones and stress? Right.

It sort of started about 3 weeks ago when after so many months of migraines and debilitating nausea I started to really hate myself for having only about 1/2 of the energy I used to have for baby G. All my "escapes" were gone (mostly culinary and wine-related) and my self-restraint became 0. I had no patience and continuously snapped at baby G (no longer a baby I don't think at 2 and 1/2) only to feel ashamed and regretful and broken hearted over disappointing him 30 seconds later. Then this feeling of resentment towards this pregnancy and the fact that the even ethereal presence of this baby is making me a worse parent to G. Yeah, resentment. Can I get the mom of the year award now please?

I love my son so much and I want him to have the best of me, all the time. And I want to have the energy to at least try to feed him good foods and play with him, and teach him things and just really be human around him. And now this baby was preventing all that and bringing the worse out of me. Shit! I'd made a mistake. Crap! How can I say that .. I really do love this baby, I feel so guilty for saying it. I mean if guilt-free I could terminate this pregnancy I wouldn't. We want this baby in our life. But I really can't stand myself anymore.

So I've been reading like a maniac cose that's what I do when I'm at an impasse. Mainly buddhist literature on handling anger and learning to live in the moment, separated from expectations, etc. All sorts of books on raising calm and compassionate children. And they've helped .. that with lemon balm tea which is really the only relaxing tea I can have. Some days though nothing can bring me back from the brink and I just want to stop existing, stop feeling and stop thinking. Mostly stop thinking. Today was one of those days. It hasn't gotten much better but at least I typed this. I am dreading now dealing with myself once G wakes up from his nap. I wish I could be with him without me. I'm so sick of me.

Itching to leave .. again.

I think it's something to do with elections in this country. As soon as people start campaigning I get this very strong urge to get the hell out of here. All these interviews and debates spark all sorts of uncomfortable questions the answers to which make me wonder whether this country is a good place to raise my family. Don't get me wrong, for a single person or a couple without kids this is the mecca. This is a great place to scavenge and rape (financially speaking) so you can make loads of cash (at least by comparison) to travel and do all sorts of fun stuff. Sure you have to work you butt off but generally it pays off.

But now I have other interests and the questions now span more than the next quarter or year. The questions now are: How the hell will I help pay for the college education of 2 kids when in 18 years is said to have increased to $100K per? How much time will it take to stop hating the people around me who generally view kids as an annoyance and don't want to ever have them around? And perhaps the most important question is: do I really want my kids growing up in a country where the general education level is decreasing so rapidly from generation to the next? I'm not so worried about my kids' education because I will take care of that if their school lags at something. I'm worried about their generation making decisions, voting, etc. Seems more unsafe then the ETA in Spain.

I watch politicians and the general population mouthing off about things that are so ridiculous and against EVERYONE's best interest. EVERYONE except for the large national and multinational corporations (make that their boards and investors) that fund campaigns. And 30+% of the population is just going along with all this crap about deregulation of environmental standards when we've seen the negative consequences of pollution. With continuing to not tax the uber-rich even though it's been proven that they don't consume any more or less either way. With failing to put tax money towards the things are matter .. long term investments in our citizens instead of short-term fear-induced money pumping into the pockets of the large DoD contractors with friendly connections to the Pentagon.

I like the article this chart came from in The Atlantic. It focuses on productivity but says so much about other things as well. The following explains this chart:

"Adjusted for inflation, home energy costs doubled between 1967 and 2003, and continued to rise in the last ten years. The cost of medical insurance is growing faster than wages. Tuition and higher education fees are growing even faster."

I'll stop here because I am depressing myself..

Oh the progesterone!!

Seemingly that's the reason one gets sick in the first trimester. It's also the reason why you're more violent, moody and bitchy in general.

Hubby's already adapted thankfully and totally ignores my general pissyness when it occurs. It's usually related with some task that wasn't finished. Yesterday I got in a financial planning kick, mostly because we haven't monitored our bills or debt or budget for the past 3+ months and I have grand plans like taking 4 months off starting with the 9th month and paying off all our outstanding debt which if we weren't so dumb would have been paid off by now, etc. Needless to say that took 5 hours worth of work (auto bill pay, projections for the next 6 months, etc) but at least it's all straight in my head and I know where we're at.

The above was also prompted by the fact that our house in the midwest did not get rented this school year which means $1400 more a month out of our pocket until we rent it to random people (ugh!) or sell it ( and lose about $30k due to the market being super crappy in that area currently .. more ugh!) which 1)pisses the crap out of me and 2)worries the crap out of me.

On the other hand the Toddler has been wonderful lately. Behaving and generally being a pleasure to be around. Yesterday he swatted at me (not for the purpose to hurt but just because i was tickling him) and I told him that he could have hurt me and it was not nice, etc (it's a whole verbal drill we do with him now since he's sort of slappy at school). He grabbed my face with his tiny hands and started giving me kisses all over the left side where he would have hit me saying "here, mommy? here?". I of course started to laugh because the level of detail was so cute. He suddenly got serious, held my face close to his, and said "not funny, mommy!" which is the first 3 word sentence I've heard him use so far. So I tried not to laugh and after a couple more kisses he asked if I'm all better and gave me a hug. Seriously, how cute is that?!

Food has become a chore just as it was last time I was pregnant. I can only eat small portions of food because I'm nauseous and get full quick, but not eating enough makes me fainty and weak and I start seeing spots or sometimes my vision all but disappears. I also have now a great amount of heartburn which isn't helped by the fact that I crave spicy foods and acidic stuff like tomato juice and fruit and stuff. So far the biggest cravings have been chocolate and udon noodle soup which thankfully I do a great job at making myself. Last time I craved Nutella pretty much my entire pregnancy .. that and cooked beef bone marrow spread on toast with salt. It's an Old Country thing. The other thing I miss now is wine which was not the case last time. I miss being able to take breaks from my own brain which is constantly wound up and thinking and planning and worrying.

Oh the week we've had ..

first of all we're not in the Old Country. We're still home because of the hurricane of course. I suppose we could have found another flight sometimes this week but I cancelled the whole trip for now. My father, the hypochondriac, is certain now he will die without seeing us ever again. Just like he's been certain for the past 10 years.. make that 30 I think. He does have some health issues but none that should warrant him guilt tripping us for years especially when he does nothing to alleviate those problems himself. I love the man but he's also crazy (for real) and right now I'm in roosting mode: I need all of my so-called "nuclear" family in one spot - preferably at home - within my reach; I need to be home to clean the house and make sure everyone eats healthy meals and all that domestic crap that some pregnant women feel. I didn't get this with Mr. G. but this time boy! after the earthquake and the hurricane I want to go nowhere! I want to stay home and clean the damned carpets, wash dishes and keep getting my paycheck. No one rock this boat please!

So I feel guilty (cose of dad) but I'm also jubilant (so happy to stay home) and also stressed (big deadline October 30th that may determine whether my contract gets renewed). That last one is a big one because if I don't get renewed I will be one very pregnant lady looking for work and in IT they know bringing someone in is a time investment .. heck it takes you about 2-4 weeks just to spin up on the project and really get going 100%. I'm also somewhat worried that they won't renew my contract here because I will be pregnant. As far as they're concerned why should they keep me if they know I'll be gone in 5 months and maybe not come back? I guess it depends on next year's schedule .. projects coming up, etc. Hopefully they'll keep me because of the maintenance cycle of the project I'm on now.

Either way I'm not saying anything at work about being pregnant although it's so damn obvious. Sooner or later someone will ask and I'll just scream "stop calling me fat!" burst into tears and run out of the office. That's the only plan I have so far.

This is going to sound bitchy ..

.. but J Lo is pissing me off. Observe the picture below. I don't know if she was trying to look like a mother tigress (that's at least what I like to believe) but she's coming off more like a sultry seductress: "don't mind the children .. what's your name. Just take me right here right now. Just shove them aside ... it's just me and you. Fuck them!"

At least that's what I see when I look at that picture. Dude (J Lo) .. you're singing repetitive dance songs with random wanna-be rappers and you're a w.o.m.a.n .. you're not Jenny from the block, you've got kids, yo! Start behaving appropriately. And the whole sultry "oh fuck me now pool boy" thing you've got going on in all these ads?! Overkill and unnecessary. You've procreated already .. all this seductress bullshit is par for the course for the young uninitiated human females who are going through their procreational prerogative stage.

That's my bit for today.

The "oy!s" of first trimester

I'm tired, everything takes 10 times the energy to accomplish (including getting out of the bed) and my breasts are so damn tender if it wasn't for bras I would probably be nude constantly. And Mr. G. has been very toddlery lately: you tell him not to do something then he pauses and with a grin on his face does it again louder/harder/etc. I swatted at him once while driving this weekend and then I felt like an idiot .. but there was milk everywhere in the back seat and he was screaming from the top of his lungs and kicking the seat in front of him while having a jolly good time and I had just about had it. Having a short fuse lately does not help. It was a very stupid reaction and it's teaching him the wrong thing. Although I could say I've learned it from him .. he's been hitting his friends at school for the last year even before I swatted him so there .. does that absolve my mismanagement of child? Probably not.

I really miss tea and multiple espressos a day and red wine .. a good Argentinian Malbec would do really nicely ... oo! or a South African Pinotage. I really do miss tea though and other than raspberry leaf seemingly all the other teas can induce labor or make you spout shoots out of your ass or god knows what else. I've read enough to be scared out of my mind. Meanwhile I know my mom had an occasional drink and even smoked during my pregnancy and I am relatively ok. Nowadays however it seems all you have to do is just touch some green tea or forget your prenatal vitamin with folic acid one day and you've doomed your child. I don't mean to sound too cynical because I will follow all the rules and then some but deep down I really doubt that all the pressure pregnant women have on themselves now is legitimate.

It's a secret ..

.. for now, but not for very long because I'm showing like I'm 3-4 months already although I'm only 5 weeks. That's right .. baby #2 (and last) is on her way. I am an environmental disaster, I know, creating little humans who trash and abuse this world just like their parents and grandparents. But my little offsprings will also be working while our retirement investments mature ensuring the continued profitability of the companies we've bought stock in. Not to speak of the those little tax-payers as a vehicle for continued social programs. So if I see one more disapproving look from some stranger passing by I'm going to get in their face and tell them they should kill themselves now because without these little cute terrors in our lives there would be no future. And I don't mean that in a metaphorical sense .. it's as practical as it gets. Bastards!

We're one week from our trip to the Old Country and Italy which really are so alike they could be one and the same. We're going to Italy because I have a friend there and because we found cheap tickets otherwise I would have preferred Austria or Spain or Morocco but this will be nice and relaxing. I heard Cinque Terre is beautiful. I really wish I would have gotten pregnant after this trip so I could eat and drink to my heart's desire but of course things didn't work out that way. Protection shmrotection!

But things are great! I am totally manic depressive nowadays (seemingly normal) one day I want to die and the next I'm in lala land. And although I've lost weight my belly popped out enough that I'm already in pregnancy pants.. and trying to keep this from people. Fail.

As a consequence I went shopping. Returned with mostly dark clothes but I have a couple of light ones in there, some stripes (I wonder where I got that idea) and one pair of shorts although I went to get jeans and only jeans. In fact I bought the most random selection of clothes ever and it was possibly the most expensive shopping trip I've ever had which doesn't say much because I rarely go shopping and even then it's for a couple of things on sale. But now I feel all fashionable and slightly less boring. The high heels I bought a couple of weeks ago but haven't worn yet are going back and I'm swapping them for arch support flats because my back hurts now. Which reminds me .. have you seen the models in those maternity adds for Motherhood and Pea in the pod with perfect posture and wearing 4 inch heels? I have a sudden desire to flog one of them.

More color please ..

I am a dark brown/black/gray person. Have always been even though I sort of hate it. I guess it's easier to speak as much about disappointment with the world as I do when you wear dark colors. But then I see myself in the mirror and get instantly pissed. Then decide I need more colorful clothes, go to the store, happilyreturn, open the bag and realize I have once again purchased something black, gray or dark brown. Fuck me!!

So today I saw on Fab this bracelet which totally captivated me. Captivated me enough to overlook it was going to cost close to $30 including shipping. But then of course I decided it was way too bold. What would I wear it with? Black? I'm not willing to stand out that much. Plus, don't you have to be in your 20s (somebody's gonna slap me) to wear bright colors? Probably not but I feel like an old old lady nowadays what with the energy vampire toddler and the lack of sleep and whatnot. Plus colorful stuff just looks fake on me .. kind of like if I were trying to pull off a frilly dress or really anything too girly. I want to feel comfortable in stuff like that but

just can't feel myself pulling it off. I usually end those visits to the dressing room with tears in my eyes from laughing my ass off.

So I didn't get the red which I sort of regret now. Instead I got this one (partly) made from cork which is really not that bland (yay me!).

Ok so I lied .. now that I'm glancing at my closet I do have more colors but they're all earth-toned and dark. Same difference.

This is all stuff from The Brooklyn Bakery jewelry store btw but for the life of me I can't find either their location or their store or a website.

I bore myself

Each time I am faced with the empty textarea of the blog I draw a blank or worse, the thoughts I try to express seem petty and uninspired. And they probably are. So here we go ..

I feel like an amorphous blob of ever changing emotions of which I don't seem to be in charge of. I know it's a matter of learning how to deal with them but so far mentally I'm a step behind catching up with my emotions. Does that make any sense? Probably not.

I've always been like that but not to this extent. After dealing with debilitating panic attacks for years I finally got put on paxil and things started to be a little more mellow. The panic attacks went away but I was also no longer reacting to things impulsively (good?), life became something to drudge through (bad). I had very little passion or drive (although friends would not recognize that as being the case) but I had very few highs and lows. I'm going to stop with the psych-speak now cose I am pretty much tired of all of it. This is hopefully my last bit about it. I'm stopping paxil and three things are happening:

1. I feel alive (for the lack of a better word) - it's almost like I've been sensory deprived on and off for the past 7 years

2. Some anxiety is coming back

3. I feel (do not laugh) like my mind is a wild horse I am trying not to tame but to learn how to tame

So far I have found buddhist ideas to be most helpful, especially the idea of mindfulness. I much prefer buddhism to paxil which has been a bitch to get off of. Withdrawal some say resembles that from heroin and the amount of nausea, dizziness, perceptual shittiness (can't come up with a better word) where the image your eyes see moves slower than your head, etc, in the past 2 months has been debilitating at times. But I can't really complain .. this drug has saved my life not by making it easier but by alleviating conditions which in the past have rendered me unable to function. I'm just hoping that I might be able to stop using it as it feels like I am cheating myself out of life.

It's interesting .. last time I stopped the paxil I had found out I was pregnant so shortly there after I went from a generally high dose to 0 which prompted a lot of nausea, etc, which we all attributed to the pregnancy. I did not however have any of these other symptoms. Turns out pregnancy in the 2nd and 3rd trimester acts the same way on the level of serotonin circulated in my brain as paxil. In the case of pregnancy, more serotonin gets created and in the case of the paxil the small amount of serotonin I have gets recycled (due to the pill's reuptake inhibitor 'feature') so it's the same as having more. That explains why while I was pregnant and off of paxil I really very few anxiety related issues but as soon as I stopped breastfeeding it came back with a vengeance.

But this is not a negative post. In fact I feel very liberated .. freaked out, but liberated nonetheless. Last drop down to an 1/8 of the medication happened 2 days ago and again the barrage of withdrawal symptoms are starting (takes about a month and 1/2 to really feel the effects of this change). In two weeks I pretty much have to stop taking it all together so we'll have to see what I can do to really enjoy our trip to Italy which happens at about the same time.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ..

So ashamed of my url

Ok... so just because it's true, it doesn't mean that I'm ok with it. In a moment of clarity I chose that URL .. amblingintoit .. and went ahead with making it public. But ever since then I've been ashamed of it, like trying to escape it by proving that "see? I'm in complete control"

Well, I'm not. A year+ into it and I'm nowhere close to in control. If my child kept repeating the same month over and over [thank goodness he doesn't] I might be .. I might have learned enough to deal with every mood and the stress and everything else. But that's not the way it goes. These kids .. they change every month, week, day .. sometimes every friggin' hour. They do!!! And by now I would want to be able to say "I've got the hang of this" but there is no 'this'. Nope. Not at all. So fuck you all nay-sayers. I don't care about you anymore because .. you know what?! I have no fucking idea what i'm doing most of the time.
1. I try to make it in to work on time but I fail most every day
2. I try to remember all of the preschool due dates and what not but fail 25% of the time [two boxes of baby shoes due this friday??! seriously?! I recycle those the next day after i buy the damn shoes!!]
3. I try to have home-made organic dinners 3 times a week but we usually end up eating take-out
4. I try to take a shower every day but guess what?! I don't
5. I try to give Mr. G a bath every night but it usually happens every other night
6. I try to show my hubby lovings every week but it doesn't usually happen that way .. usually I find a week when there are no molars coming in or sickness in the house and make it up for 1/2 of the month
7. worst of all, I try to be consistent with Mr. G. but sometimes it's easier to give in, and the hubby hates it .. yet I still disagree .. he will be raised well, the leeway he gets while 2 doesn't affect his LIFE .. I will totally be a hard ass on the 10 year old version of him
8. i will now definitely have to keep this domain because as much of a mess i am we've decided - mostly cose of my arguments - to have another child .. this year .. despite my best judgement.

So there we go. We're raising a good kid .. he's so compassionate and loving, giving hugs to classmates who are crying and loving babies, but being a hardass when it comes to sharing things with the parents - not with anyone else btw. Our place is rarely clean and the carpet has more stains than I've had sexual encounters. BUT there is hope. He loves to help: putting dishes in the dishwasher, cleaning his table, attempting to dress himself. And the hubby too is helping by modifying his behavior to use less manliness on Mr. G. and more cuddliness. He was raised in a very strict environment so it's hard to be judging.

The conclusion is [and yes, I am a closeted horoscope freak] that we want a Sagitarius baby because that would provide the best match of Mr. G. as a sibling and, secretly from hubby, that he himself being a sag. would change his parenting style to be more maneable. If the 2nd is a girl it's even better.

Deciding on this "should we have a 2nd" business is hard, so I'll speak more to it in next post.

Still ambling into it ..

The impossibility of it all just smacked me when I got depressed and overwhelmed to the point where I didn't even want to spend time with my little boy. Then I got a nasty cold and got set back at work and tempers flared at home and I just gave up. I need sanity and adding another X hours of work a day just won't do it. So I had to tell myself that the responsible and smart thing to do is just pick the necessary stuff and remove the rest. So I did, although that speech was mostly parenting advice from movies and I didn't believe one iota of it. Guess it was what I needed to hear.

Christmas went by fast. The little one got some awesome presents which means I get a little break from the little someone pulling at my pants constantly when I'm in the kitchen. And we, the parents, are doing ok. We've had some conversations which led pretty much nowhere further than "ok, so we have different parenting styles and at least one of us cannot stand the other for it". But we're ignoring it for now I guess. I don't know what the plan is. I never move on without a plan but here we are .. keeping on keeping on. Smiles, kisses, cuddles and hopes that the situations that make me sometimes want to move out simply won't happen again which is impossible.

I got out of work early today and stopped by Bed Bath & Beyond to get some small freezer-safe glass containers - to store the super duper sneaky veggie purees that go into little man's food without him knowing - and a pepper grinder/salt shaker thing. I found myself not wanting to leave. Where would I go other than home? And at home what? laundry and dishes. I felt like - and had to do some - cooking - but would have to do dishes first and clean the counters. Blah.

Sometimes I feel so separated from everything else in this world. Motherhood is such an alienating experience. Even mothers of children of similar age can't always relate to each other at a deep enough level to really elevate the conversation to something more meaningful than insignificant chatter. Some days I want to die, more so than ever. Some days I am so frustrated and angry that it makes me feel violent even though I never act on it. Some days I don't want to be married, as much as I love my husband, and just want to be alone. Some days I just don't want to leave work, the best escape I have.

I used to have a very colorful life filled with dreams and books and travel and hopes and plans and ideas. All I can think now is that unfinished to do list at home: dishes, laundry, food .. and from time to time I remember we are potty training, trying to learn new words and trying to modify every day tasks to include this little person who just loves to help me with things like throwing dishes in the sink and pouring 1/2 gallon of juice in his small cup and picking forks and knives out of the dishwasher. I know this is who I am only temporarily and as he grows and develops his own dreams and plans I will be left with a void that can be again filled by my own. But until then I will miss my old self and I hardly find her in my own thoughts and actions. That makes me sad. I have lost my closest friend, confidant and cheerleader: myself.

Teeth & enterpreneurship

.. they are ruining my sleep. G.'s getting a couple more which means I don't sleep nearly enough and after 2 hours of screaming between getting home from school and going to bed the only energy I have left is the that necessary to grabbing a glass of wine .. then some fatty food, then more wine and of course, more food. Thus fatter ass. I ran .. a few days then I stopped. Something to do with the above routine.

Things are exciting around here though. A number of competitions involving coding, mobile apps, etc and potential contact with investors if your idea is hot enough. SO of course now I listen to 5 hours of tech podcasts a day, read a number of books and am completely involved in the whole coming up with ideas/learning new cool things. Which is great and would rock if I actually had some extra time. The only "extra" time I have is between 7ish and 10ish when I'm literally wrecked from making diner/serving dinner/keeping G happy/bathing G/etc G related.
Enough said about that.

So I've got a couple of months to get all my shit together for these competitions. The truth is, once I figure out what the hell I am doing, my chances of actually getting something out of these things are pretty damn good. But the problem is that I don't have nearly enough time and unless I start planning my days/nights better I won't get anything done which would be very very sad.

But I have a plan and some lists and that's a good place to start.

UPDATE .. 3 hours later: actually I'm freaking the hell out. I want to do this thing but it's almost impossible to achieve. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

How dare I let them?!?!

I am pissed off! Why? Because the world is fucking evil and it has no soul. And, most of all, because I let its commentary on my choices and my life affect me.

Got to daycare 15 minutes late yesterday .. fancy daycare ..local daycare in beautiful brick building .. great programs, healthy food .. flipping expensive at $1200/mo .. and was threatened that next time we're late if they can't reach us by phone - i did call back 5 minutes after they called and i didn't hear the phone - they will call child services to pick Mr. G. up. Child services??? If it wasn't for the wonderful teachers at this school and the fact that it would be impossible to find a spot at an equally good school mid-semester I would be withdrawing him immediately. How can I trust an institution who treats my child like inventory?

Anyway .. a number of executives will be receiving a very angry piece of mail in the next couple of days.

I'm gonna go run my anger away now.

Bastards!!

On procrastination

I used to be a horrible procrastinator until college when it started to catch up to me when I started working jobs where one needed to be quasi-responsible. Having realized what a negative impact this could have in the long run I decided to make swift and powerful changes that would ameliorate the problem. I put pen to paper and made a list of everything unfinished, whether in progress or abandoned and got to work. The process? Simple. Take the first step. If it was calling the bank about something I just picked up the phone and dialed without thinking about the 2nd step. That is the hardest part of the process: not thinking about the future, about the next minute, next 5 minutes, etc. So simple and it worked .. immediately.

The more of the list I tackled and the more action I was taking immediately on new instances where in the past I would have delayed acting on them the more satisfying the whole process become. Almost addicted to the satisfaction of what I called the "clean plate". No more little crumbs to remember and frustratedly think about, even if for a second.

And then the baby came and little by little I fell into the same old cycle of procrastination. Now I had a very valid reason: I am/was tired all the time. Whatever time I had I just wanted to sleep well into his 20th month. In fact I am procrastinating right now. Every morning I procrastinate when I decide not to work out although I have been telling myself every night that the next morning I will make the 15 minute investment of going to the FREE gym in our building which is just doors down, on the SAME FLOOR as our apartment. Yup, that bad. Then every night I procrastinate eating better which is something I vow to myself every morning. There's always tomorrow but the point is that it's not for tomorrow; it's for right now.

I wanted to write this to out myself as a lazy ass and psych myself up and actually make it to the gym before going to work but the truth is I would have to wake up a lot earlier to be able to accomplish that [another level of my horrible procrastinating as of late] and I have to get ready and be at work for a meeting in 30 minutes so in this case I will have to say confidently and with resolution that I will wake up early tomorrow to start the 8 week program in preparation for a 5k and that I will not regret the next day all the junk I've eaten in the previous one this whole week. I promise myself that and I am doing it for all the procrastinators out there.

Sometimes the first step is simply the decision to take the 2nd step in a specific time frame. I will write back tomorrow, after my first run in over 2 years.

Still in a slump ..

that about sums it up. Had a great weekend but my impossible deadline looms. Hate Monday night deadlines because they force you to work during the weekend. Or at least feel like crap if you don't do any work. This weekend however I haven't done any work. I've decided that until Mr. G. goes to bed tonight I won't. Instead we hung out with friends yesterday morning, different friends in the afternoon, this morning went to the farmer's market and this afternoon hanging out with another toddler and his mommy, maybe go swimming. Any other time I'd fight the blahs with a kick ass menu for the week which would set us back about $300 .. but now, I'll be lucky if I get to make the zucchini cheddar biscuits recipe I found yesterday. I don't have the extra $ in the weekly grocery budget anyway so it wouldn't matter but at least I'd relish in the possibility. Mmm... relish!

Maybe I should start a food blog .. maybe that would motivate me. There's a shelter near by I'd love to volunteer at but I never have the time before 7pm to do anything. Maybe I could work a part time job as a bartender .. do you need schooling for that? I could devise an alter ego, maybe a goth alter ego .. no, a more approachable alter ego. One that falls more in line with current trends. That could be fun. I think one of my most favorite jobs ever was working part time in college at the library, restocking returned books. It gives you a lot of time to think, and peruse books otherwise you'd never touch on subject matters you've never heard of. Does the library of congress need part-timers?

Been so stressed lately I wake up with heartburn every morning. It gets worse throughout the day. Gets better when I get home. So i ingest a lot of rolaids. Today I couldn't really tell the difference between which kind of pain i was feeling so I went through the checklist: hunger? thirst? nope .. heartburn. After 4 sandwiches, 1/2 gallon of water and many pee breaks later I succumbed to the all reliable rolaid. Did you know tums contains aluminum in small amounts? I switched to rolaids when I was pregnant because of that.

I'm blabbering .. it's therapeutic. Sitting down, thinking of random things and typing helps. I found lately to be getting really annoyed at dear hubby when he spoke. Then I realized it's because I don't have time to day dream or just let my mind wonder so in the few moments when we're not being screamed at by Mr. G. if he chooses to say something that is not invaluable information I get pissed. "I was just about to have a 10 second brain break followed by 30 seconds of thoughts. Shut up!!!" Whenever I have a split second of processing available I think of work or household related stuff. I have so many other thoughts I don't get to explore but only a one track mind. I've become a horrible multi-tasker .. something I probably won't bring up in my next job interview.