Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Still ambling into it ..

The impossibility of it all just smacked me when I got depressed and overwhelmed to the point where I didn't even want to spend time with my little boy. Then I got a nasty cold and got set back at work and tempers flared at home and I just gave up. I need sanity and adding another X hours of work a day just won't do it. So I had to tell myself that the responsible and smart thing to do is just pick the necessary stuff and remove the rest. So I did, although that speech was mostly parenting advice from movies and I didn't believe one iota of it. Guess it was what I needed to hear.

Christmas went by fast. The little one got some awesome presents which means I get a little break from the little someone pulling at my pants constantly when I'm in the kitchen. And we, the parents, are doing ok. We've had some conversations which led pretty much nowhere further than "ok, so we have different parenting styles and at least one of us cannot stand the other for it". But we're ignoring it for now I guess. I don't know what the plan is. I never move on without a plan but here we are .. keeping on keeping on. Smiles, kisses, cuddles and hopes that the situations that make me sometimes want to move out simply won't happen again which is impossible.

I got out of work early today and stopped by Bed Bath & Beyond to get some small freezer-safe glass containers - to store the super duper sneaky veggie purees that go into little man's food without him knowing - and a pepper grinder/salt shaker thing. I found myself not wanting to leave. Where would I go other than home? And at home what? laundry and dishes. I felt like - and had to do some - cooking - but would have to do dishes first and clean the counters. Blah.

Sometimes I feel so separated from everything else in this world. Motherhood is such an alienating experience. Even mothers of children of similar age can't always relate to each other at a deep enough level to really elevate the conversation to something more meaningful than insignificant chatter. Some days I want to die, more so than ever. Some days I am so frustrated and angry that it makes me feel violent even though I never act on it. Some days I don't want to be married, as much as I love my husband, and just want to be alone. Some days I just don't want to leave work, the best escape I have.

I used to have a very colorful life filled with dreams and books and travel and hopes and plans and ideas. All I can think now is that unfinished to do list at home: dishes, laundry, food .. and from time to time I remember we are potty training, trying to learn new words and trying to modify every day tasks to include this little person who just loves to help me with things like throwing dishes in the sink and pouring 1/2 gallon of juice in his small cup and picking forks and knives out of the dishwasher. I know this is who I am only temporarily and as he grows and develops his own dreams and plans I will be left with a void that can be again filled by my own. But until then I will miss my old self and I hardly find her in my own thoughts and actions. That makes me sad. I have lost my closest friend, confidant and cheerleader: myself.