I had a lot of self-directing anger but what was left by the time I reached my computer was just this washed up fatalistic attitude. I've been seriously depressed lately questioning everything from my existence to the existence of baby #2. I am so hopeless about the world yet I bring another creature in it? For what? To expand the suffering to someone I love and continue to maintain, actually, worsen the status quo of the world? What a fucking idiot am I?
And of course all the doubts I've had positive answers to are now showing their monstrous heads as if before I had only peaked at them in the dark; as if I didn't really understand, but now, after the fact it's all become clear. Clearer because of what? because my brain is drowning in extra hormones and stress? Right.
It sort of started about 3 weeks ago when after so many months of migraines and debilitating nausea I started to really hate myself for having only about 1/2 of the energy I used to have for baby G. All my "escapes" were gone (mostly culinary and wine-related) and my self-restraint became 0. I had no patience and continuously snapped at baby G (no longer a baby I don't think at 2 and 1/2) only to feel ashamed and regretful and broken hearted over disappointing him 30 seconds later. Then this feeling of resentment towards this pregnancy and the fact that the even ethereal presence of this baby is making me a worse parent to G. Yeah, resentment. Can I get the mom of the year award now please?
I love my son so much and I want him to have the best of me, all the time. And I want to have the energy to at least try to feed him good foods and play with him, and teach him things and just really be human around him. And now this baby was preventing all that and bringing the worse out of me. Shit! I'd made a mistake. Crap! How can I say that .. I really do love this baby, I feel so guilty for saying it. I mean if guilt-free I could terminate this pregnancy I wouldn't. We want this baby in our life. But I really can't stand myself anymore.
So I've been reading like a maniac cose that's what I do when I'm at an impasse. Mainly buddhist literature on handling anger and learning to live in the moment, separated from expectations, etc. All sorts of books on raising calm and compassionate children. And they've helped .. that with lemon balm tea which is really the only relaxing tea I can have. Some days though nothing can bring me back from the brink and I just want to stop existing, stop feeling and stop thinking. Mostly stop thinking. Today was one of those days. It hasn't gotten much better but at least I typed this. I am dreading now dealing with myself once G wakes up from his nap. I wish I could be with him without me. I'm so sick of me.
