O. K.

No, I'm not really ok. OK as in "I'm as ready for today/this week/this month as I can be so OK, let's go".

I keep coming back here to bitch (sorry!) but the past few years have been a rolercoaster and the past 9 months, well, don't get me started. Fucking hormones! It's been horrible but I've got 20 days till my due date and after that a few more months of the hormones hopefully subsiding and then maybe a little more back to as normal as you can be with an infant and a toddler in the house.

Thursday night I started having 1 minute contractions every 5 minutes, then 3, then 2 for 5 hours .. and then they stopped. So I've been fretting and stressing about what this may mean. Does it mean a long labor again? Does it mean I'll need to be induced? Does it mean another month of waiting? Turns out no one knows what it means cose we don't really know anything about our bodies. Even the most learned doctor cannot tell you for sure why the hell your body does most of what it does. They have some A to C theories but why A and C exist and whether there's a B in there and what role it plays? forget about it. Anywho, the midwife (the knowledge on the matter I trust about 100,000 more than any OB's) says it's my body doing some work before the labor getting things ready. And you know what? That's good enough for me. Things are getting ready. The baby dropped, my hormone dial is at dangerous levels and baby is ROT again (which is pretty much posterior) which absolutely sucks after sleeping on your left side for so long your whole body is constantly sore and doing 40 minutes of pelvic tilts a day that kill your wrists and shoulders. God, I don't want another back labor .. and I don't want another 22 hours of labor, but Gregory was ROT and turned posterior and that's what happened. So we'll see. 2 nights ago baby was LOA .. friggin perfect.

Otherwise the toddler is behaving like a teenager with the snap backs and stuff. Lots of tantrums again for the past 2 weeks probably because I've been snappy and not really the best role model myself. I had to set my project aside because my brain barely works (really, I have a hard time keeping up with a fast conversation .. it's bad). So when dealing with a fast moving, fast talking, emotional toddler I lose it lately.

Everything else is in flux now too: our lease is expiring and we want to move but haven't found a new place yet. We have to turn in today whether we're staying another month, 6 months or 12 months. Problem with 1 month is that it's a lot more expensive. Problem with 12 months is that we don't really want to stay here AND it's expensive. Problem with 6 months is that it's in the middle of the school year and we will have to drive to this side of town for Gregory's school for another 6-8 months after that until we can switch kindergarden or pre-K, which can mean another 1.5 hours added to the daily commute.

On top of that hubby is very possibly getting a new job in the next month (awesome opportunity if it works out), the contract for the position I'm supposed to be starting in July has not come through (2 week delay) and it sort of depends if I can do some work next week (which is uncertain given that I might go into labor any moment now based on the happenings of 2 nights ago), we'll have a new baby and the school Gregory goes to suddenly realized they won't have any openings till 2013 even though we were on the waiting list. Daycares are really really hard to come by around here so not being on any other waiting list sort of screwed us. Now we're stuck with 2 different schools, one of which is still to be located, and around here, with the crazy traffic, that is not good news.

Seems like everything is up in the air. And the hardest unknown to deal with at the moment is this labor and the baby. How is this child going to be? Is he healthy? Does he have any defects that will prevent him from having a happy, simple life? Will he draw so much more energy and time from us that we won't be able to do a good job parenting Gregory? How will he affect our relationship?