It's my blog so I can bitch damn it!!!!
If you haven't clicked on the back button, then here's the story. Here's what I never confess to anyone including my diary. Here's what takes a glass of wine and a couple of weeks of lack of sleep to confess: I am a failure. Yes, my dear reader, with all respect, you've wasted your time. I, am a failure. 1999 I started a company which failed because the friggin shopping cart wasn't stylish enough I didn't deliver on time. Then in 2000 I got a grant and I failed again because a company in town seemingly was going to deliver the same product in the same time frame - the paranoid freak in me figured the grant was set up solely for research purposes. No matter, another business - which netsuite matched about 60% - was waiting for funding in 2002. Ok.. so netsuite swept the market .. I had something better in 2003. ... and then I gave up. I was doing it all, after all, for my parents.
My dad refused membership in the communist party, a requirement at the time in the country, so his life was particularly hard. My mom didn't have it any better. My parents always strived to do the right thing. They didn't care about acceptance or deliverance, only about the rule of law.
Long story short, I was here, I had ideas, I had opportunities, I should have been able to help when the corrupt government seized all their belongings and they were left with nothing. I couldn't help with anything .. I used the neutral to go down hills because in 2000 i could not afford the gas. At the same time I was dating someone who thought that because I was foreign and studying in the US I must have been rich .. what a moron! Anyway .. I feel like I have failed. Somehow my parents made it through .. justice prevailed despite what everyone believed. But now, another failure. My son, my only kid, picky and teething, has to go to daycare at 5 months. Let me count the ways I have failed....... too many, or do you want me starting again from 1999?!
My Gregory, my sweetheart, takes an hour or more to fall asleep in our arms because he's teething badly. He passes out in our arms or his bed and then suddenly awakens because his arms try to itch the gums or cheeks or whatever is itching on his face. And I am at work .. staring at A FUCKING SCREEN when my baby needs me to hold and love him. Why?! Because I have failed, .
... so many times. And now, I get to fail again.
You are not failing with your baby. You can be harsh with yourself for anything else, but not that. Your baby is loved, and taken care of, and well provided for, both emotionally and physically. You have to work, that's not something you do to be mean to baby. He knows you love him, and is happy with the time you can spend together, and he's fine.
ReplyDeleteTeething is a dirty, dirty bitch that makes you question EVERYTHING. Motrin, Motrin, Motrin. I am not a drug-the-baby kind of person, but with teething, it's the right thing to do. And accept it now, before the first-year molars hit and baby is congested and wheezy and wakes up at all hours screaming for three straight months.
You are doing awesome, don't sell yourself short. You're a mom. Screw whatever else has gone wrong.
You are not a failure! I felt the same thing when I took Logan to his babysitter's house for the first month, even though he only goes 8 hrs a week because I didn't even have a job - I was just being selfish!!! My counselor said we get it in our minds what we expect ourselves to be as mothers and when we don't measure up then we get down on ourselves. But sometimes real life isn't the way we would prefer and so we have to re-adjust our views and make our reality the best we can. You will continue to be a good mom, your husband a good dad, and your baby will still be a sweetheart. Look at it on the bright side, right now he won't cry when you drop him off and so you totally get to miss that awful part!!!! By the time he's in that phase, he will already be used to/adjusted to daycare. As for the teething, I've written a lot of blogs about Logan's experiences, and for his molars I've had to give him baby Tylenol which has always been my last resort so I've tried to avoid it the past 15 months but I don't regret it lately because it makes a 110% difference for him. I wish all teeth would just come in at once to get it over with fast!!!! One of Logan's was even bleeding the other day as it came in. He walked up to me and gave me a hug and it was the sweetest of moments because once you get to this stage you see how your comfort really does have a positive effect and helps them. So keep up the excellent work!
ReplyDeletegood blog ... Work from home
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