I'm so tired I don't even know if that's the right expression for what I'm trying to say. Point is .. I'm taking a little break from working. On tuesday I had the dreaded breast ultrasound which wasn't as bad as the last one which hurt like a *&#$!@ ... the results? The tumors are probably not malignant. One has increased in volume so I'll probably have a biopsy after talking to my booby doctor next week. Because I took time off work to do that however I've had a couple 12 hour days in the aforementioned gray/tan cubicle. Problem is the sleeping is so bad I finally get my booty in at work late enough that I work until 8 or 9 which means seeing very little of the little and generally doing much less than cooking, watching 30 mins of the stupid tube and going to bed.
The limitations I've noticed in my vocabulary are due to the fact that I am not reading anything not related to baby eating, baby sleeping or baby crying. And let me tell you .. those articles aren't very lexically complex. Which leaves me searching for words when I try to express myself most of the time .. resulting in a very frustrated an already cranky and tired Chris. I also used to read about photography and take a lot of pictures. No more. I also used to read about the biochemistry of food and cooking. Not happening. I also used to try my (already carpal) hand at knitting. I used to paint, tend to a dozen or so herbs I used in my cooking (they have all met a horrible parched death), play pool quite well thank you very much and watch Fareed Zacharia every Sunday (which I have to qualify with "I don't agree with some of his positions"). The point is I miss all those things so much .. and as much as I was starved for creativity before, now it's painfully .. PAINFULLY more so. Did I mention I usually read about 3 nonfiction and one fiction book? I miss that so much. So much. Not more than I love baby G. though so .. there it is. Trade-offs. I wish I could work part time or something like that but that is not happening so until then hubby takes videos of bubu and when I get home although he is usually crying and tired and fussy I get to look at the videos of him smiling and playing at 11 or 12 in the morning. Makes me wanna cry.
Oh no! Hang in there. You've got so much on your plate and it's normal for you to feel this way. Plus, you've got hormones raging in you and you'd still be feeling this way even if you didn't have this much happening. I wish I could be there for you, but all I can give you is a cyber shoulder to cry on and hug. Cyber kisses your way too!
ReplyDeleteArgh, I'm so tired and frustrated for you! Really, does it have to be so hard?! Who are these people who have a baby and their lives are bliss?!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about trade-offs. I use to be a very artsy-craftsy person. I made a hand-sewn rag doll for my niece last year for her birthday! (pre-baby). My daughter will probably never get anything handmade until she's in college. If I'm not sneaking precious sleep, then I'm too frazzled/impatient to actually work on anything. I haven't even planted the herb seeds I bought for this year, because, what the heck was I thinking?!
And as for the cooking - I hate to break it to you, but you've got a while to go until that gets fun again. But I'm told it does happen, eventually.
Cubicles blow. Don't let them suck your soul. Try to find a way to keep your sense of humor about it all (without irritating grumpy hubby). Me, I now play 'doggy' for 15 minutes in the evening with Jellybean. I crawl around on the floor and growl and bark and lick her face, and it cracks us both up, even if we're both tired and melting down.
If that doesn't work - margaritas.