Still ambling into it ..

The impossibility of it all just smacked me when I got depressed and overwhelmed to the point where I didn't even want to spend time with my little boy. Then I got a nasty cold and got set back at work and tempers flared at home and I just gave up. I need sanity and adding another X hours of work a day just won't do it. So I had to tell myself that the responsible and smart thing to do is just pick the necessary stuff and remove the rest. So I did, although that speech was mostly parenting advice from movies and I didn't believe one iota of it. Guess it was what I needed to hear.

Christmas went by fast. The little one got some awesome presents which means I get a little break from the little someone pulling at my pants constantly when I'm in the kitchen. And we, the parents, are doing ok. We've had some conversations which led pretty much nowhere further than "ok, so we have different parenting styles and at least one of us cannot stand the other for it". But we're ignoring it for now I guess. I don't know what the plan is. I never move on without a plan but here we are .. keeping on keeping on. Smiles, kisses, cuddles and hopes that the situations that make me sometimes want to move out simply won't happen again which is impossible.

I got out of work early today and stopped by Bed Bath & Beyond to get some small freezer-safe glass containers - to store the super duper sneaky veggie purees that go into little man's food without him knowing - and a pepper grinder/salt shaker thing. I found myself not wanting to leave. Where would I go other than home? And at home what? laundry and dishes. I felt like - and had to do some - cooking - but would have to do dishes first and clean the counters. Blah.

Sometimes I feel so separated from everything else in this world. Motherhood is such an alienating experience. Even mothers of children of similar age can't always relate to each other at a deep enough level to really elevate the conversation to something more meaningful than insignificant chatter. Some days I want to die, more so than ever. Some days I am so frustrated and angry that it makes me feel violent even though I never act on it. Some days I don't want to be married, as much as I love my husband, and just want to be alone. Some days I just don't want to leave work, the best escape I have.

I used to have a very colorful life filled with dreams and books and travel and hopes and plans and ideas. All I can think now is that unfinished to do list at home: dishes, laundry, food .. and from time to time I remember we are potty training, trying to learn new words and trying to modify every day tasks to include this little person who just loves to help me with things like throwing dishes in the sink and pouring 1/2 gallon of juice in his small cup and picking forks and knives out of the dishwasher. I know this is who I am only temporarily and as he grows and develops his own dreams and plans I will be left with a void that can be again filled by my own. But until then I will miss my old self and I hardly find her in my own thoughts and actions. That makes me sad. I have lost my closest friend, confidant and cheerleader: myself.

Teeth & enterpreneurship

.. they are ruining my sleep. G.'s getting a couple more which means I don't sleep nearly enough and after 2 hours of screaming between getting home from school and going to bed the only energy I have left is the that necessary to grabbing a glass of wine .. then some fatty food, then more wine and of course, more food. Thus fatter ass. I ran .. a few days then I stopped. Something to do with the above routine.

Things are exciting around here though. A number of competitions involving coding, mobile apps, etc and potential contact with investors if your idea is hot enough. SO of course now I listen to 5 hours of tech podcasts a day, read a number of books and am completely involved in the whole coming up with ideas/learning new cool things. Which is great and would rock if I actually had some extra time. The only "extra" time I have is between 7ish and 10ish when I'm literally wrecked from making diner/serving dinner/keeping G happy/bathing G/etc G related.
Enough said about that.

So I've got a couple of months to get all my shit together for these competitions. The truth is, once I figure out what the hell I am doing, my chances of actually getting something out of these things are pretty damn good. But the problem is that I don't have nearly enough time and unless I start planning my days/nights better I won't get anything done which would be very very sad.

But I have a plan and some lists and that's a good place to start.

UPDATE .. 3 hours later: actually I'm freaking the hell out. I want to do this thing but it's almost impossible to achieve. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

How dare I let them?!?!

I am pissed off! Why? Because the world is fucking evil and it has no soul. And, most of all, because I let its commentary on my choices and my life affect me.

Got to daycare 15 minutes late yesterday .. fancy daycare ..local daycare in beautiful brick building .. great programs, healthy food .. flipping expensive at $1200/mo .. and was threatened that next time we're late if they can't reach us by phone - i did call back 5 minutes after they called and i didn't hear the phone - they will call child services to pick Mr. G. up. Child services??? If it wasn't for the wonderful teachers at this school and the fact that it would be impossible to find a spot at an equally good school mid-semester I would be withdrawing him immediately. How can I trust an institution who treats my child like inventory?

Anyway .. a number of executives will be receiving a very angry piece of mail in the next couple of days.

I'm gonna go run my anger away now.

Bastards!!

On procrastination

I used to be a horrible procrastinator until college when it started to catch up to me when I started working jobs where one needed to be quasi-responsible. Having realized what a negative impact this could have in the long run I decided to make swift and powerful changes that would ameliorate the problem. I put pen to paper and made a list of everything unfinished, whether in progress or abandoned and got to work. The process? Simple. Take the first step. If it was calling the bank about something I just picked up the phone and dialed without thinking about the 2nd step. That is the hardest part of the process: not thinking about the future, about the next minute, next 5 minutes, etc. So simple and it worked .. immediately.

The more of the list I tackled and the more action I was taking immediately on new instances where in the past I would have delayed acting on them the more satisfying the whole process become. Almost addicted to the satisfaction of what I called the "clean plate". No more little crumbs to remember and frustratedly think about, even if for a second.

And then the baby came and little by little I fell into the same old cycle of procrastination. Now I had a very valid reason: I am/was tired all the time. Whatever time I had I just wanted to sleep well into his 20th month. In fact I am procrastinating right now. Every morning I procrastinate when I decide not to work out although I have been telling myself every night that the next morning I will make the 15 minute investment of going to the FREE gym in our building which is just doors down, on the SAME FLOOR as our apartment. Yup, that bad. Then every night I procrastinate eating better which is something I vow to myself every morning. There's always tomorrow but the point is that it's not for tomorrow; it's for right now.

I wanted to write this to out myself as a lazy ass and psych myself up and actually make it to the gym before going to work but the truth is I would have to wake up a lot earlier to be able to accomplish that [another level of my horrible procrastinating as of late] and I have to get ready and be at work for a meeting in 30 minutes so in this case I will have to say confidently and with resolution that I will wake up early tomorrow to start the 8 week program in preparation for a 5k and that I will not regret the next day all the junk I've eaten in the previous one this whole week. I promise myself that and I am doing it for all the procrastinators out there.

Sometimes the first step is simply the decision to take the 2nd step in a specific time frame. I will write back tomorrow, after my first run in over 2 years.

Still in a slump ..

that about sums it up. Had a great weekend but my impossible deadline looms. Hate Monday night deadlines because they force you to work during the weekend. Or at least feel like crap if you don't do any work. This weekend however I haven't done any work. I've decided that until Mr. G. goes to bed tonight I won't. Instead we hung out with friends yesterday morning, different friends in the afternoon, this morning went to the farmer's market and this afternoon hanging out with another toddler and his mommy, maybe go swimming. Any other time I'd fight the blahs with a kick ass menu for the week which would set us back about $300 .. but now, I'll be lucky if I get to make the zucchini cheddar biscuits recipe I found yesterday. I don't have the extra $ in the weekly grocery budget anyway so it wouldn't matter but at least I'd relish in the possibility. Mmm... relish!

Maybe I should start a food blog .. maybe that would motivate me. There's a shelter near by I'd love to volunteer at but I never have the time before 7pm to do anything. Maybe I could work a part time job as a bartender .. do you need schooling for that? I could devise an alter ego, maybe a goth alter ego .. no, a more approachable alter ego. One that falls more in line with current trends. That could be fun. I think one of my most favorite jobs ever was working part time in college at the library, restocking returned books. It gives you a lot of time to think, and peruse books otherwise you'd never touch on subject matters you've never heard of. Does the library of congress need part-timers?

Been so stressed lately I wake up with heartburn every morning. It gets worse throughout the day. Gets better when I get home. So i ingest a lot of rolaids. Today I couldn't really tell the difference between which kind of pain i was feeling so I went through the checklist: hunger? thirst? nope .. heartburn. After 4 sandwiches, 1/2 gallon of water and many pee breaks later I succumbed to the all reliable rolaid. Did you know tums contains aluminum in small amounts? I switched to rolaids when I was pregnant because of that.

I'm blabbering .. it's therapeutic. Sitting down, thinking of random things and typing helps. I found lately to be getting really annoyed at dear hubby when he spoke. Then I realized it's because I don't have time to day dream or just let my mind wonder so in the few moments when we're not being screamed at by Mr. G. if he chooses to say something that is not invaluable information I get pissed. "I was just about to have a 10 second brain break followed by 30 seconds of thoughts. Shut up!!!" Whenever I have a split second of processing available I think of work or household related stuff. I have so many other thoughts I don't get to explore but only a one track mind. I've become a horrible multi-tasker .. something I probably won't bring up in my next job interview.

It feels like Sunday

.. because it's the last day off before the work week, of course.

There's something very depressing about Sundays. I hate Sundays. Wish I could just sleep through them. Sundays are for pondering the amount of work you have to do the coming week and the disappointment of how little you've gotten done (whether is play or housework) in the supposed ample time you had this past weekend. Just depressing.

Maybe if you don't have kids you sleep in, rest and recoup. But if you have kids the weekends seem the most tiring, although also the most fun, time of the week.

Today I still have a lot of work to do. Have probably worked about 20 hours this weekend. Then there are the dishes which I don't mind. If i'd be given the option to wash dishes for the same amount of money I make now I'd probably take it. I'd even take a pay cut .. maybe of 10%. Just think of what a satisfying job if you enjoy washing dishes: each project is very small - a dish. Everyone agrees on what the outcome should be - no bits and pieces on the dish, no grease, no goo. Short bursts of satisfaction! Software development however, a whole different situation .. especially when the requirements change on an hourly basis. Ugh!

Wow .. it's been 6 months

We've moved. Yes!! Mr. G. has quite a few new teeth (dealing with the molars now, at 16 months), still not talking, still gorgeous. Work is even more stressful now .. or rather, the new boss is more stressful than the old boss. I still can't fit into my old clothes, not that I'm doing anything about it and .. that's pretty much it. Other than the moving an otherwise uneventful half a year.

Today we went to a 4th of July party at another couple's place (they have a toddler) and another couple was invited (they too have a toddler). Moral of the story: never have more than 2 toddlers per party. We were all dizzy when it was over. Especially because the other invited toddler hit and slapped Mr. G. and his buddy repeatedly. Mr. G. decided he had enough, closed the door to the room they were playing in and slapped him. The kid cried for like 10 minutes straight. I know .. I know .. I'm a proud mama. Especially for closing the door. I mean, hello?! Plausible deniability! Brilliant!

So I worked yesterday and am working today and tomorrow despite being a "long holiday weekend". Sad thing is I don't really care .. I'm so stressed about getting all this work done I don't care. And I should. Because I have a few recipes I want to try, about 427 books that I should have read by now, a book I want to write, a fashion house I'd like to start, a restaurant I'd like to open, a lot of different things I want to do with Mr. G., oh yeah, and the idea of scrapbooking sounds very interesting. But I'm exhausted and at the end of the day I am just happy I've survived it, Mr. G. was read to and most likely bathed and hopefully had a little food too. If the dishes are done and I have clean clothes for the next day I'm in heaven. No wonder I've become so down and with such little will to accomplish anything .. my highest achievable goals have become mundane. The loss of my self-confidence of 10 years ago makes me weep.

Ok, that's a depressing ending. Here's a happier one: today I had the most scrumptious home made white peach cobbler ever created. Yes, that is a happy ending.

Sanity ..

.. at least for now. I would say we're over all the baby stuff but I'm scared I'll curse whatever luck we've had in the past month or so to not be experiencing any more illness or whatever else we've been through.

Baby G is happy and bouncy and energetic and the size of a 2 year old. We're still exhausted but mainly because he is so strong and determined to do whatever he wants. It's a good kind of exhausted. Still pretty ran down from the previous 9 months though. I can't even imagine how single mothers do this.. hat's off to you, Cathi!

We're still planning on moving in April-May timeframe so we're packing, craiglising stuff, looking for apartments in VA, etc. January is almost done, February is Baby G.'s first bday party, March we're going to VA to find an apartment, daycare, a ped, etc, April we're going on vacation - without baby G. - for 4 days then coming back and UHauling our butts eastward. Exciting, stressful, awesomely exciting. May will be a transition period then June we're flying to a specific country in Europe - my origins - to visit my parents. The second half of the year will be about settling in, making friends and finding local restaurants, being touristy in our new city, neighborhood, block.

We've spent the past 7 years trying to figure out where to move, where our home will be meanwhile never feeling comfortable here. We've always felt as if in a train station, bags packed, feverishly looking for that train that might just appear in the horizon. Looks like our train might finally be here.

A few things could get in the way of our moving still but as anyone who's ever tried a lot in their life will say, this setback will only be one in thousands; the one thing i've learned through this past year is that setbacks, no matter how immense they are perceived to be, are just little rocks in the road and never barricades. Hindsight always teaches us so.