Meh

I had a lot of self-directing anger but what was left by the time I reached my computer was just this washed up fatalistic attitude. I've been seriously depressed lately questioning everything from my existence to the existence of baby #2. I am so hopeless about the world yet I bring another creature in it? For what? To expand the suffering to someone I love and continue to maintain, actually, worsen the status quo of the world? What a fucking idiot am I?

And of course all the doubts I've had positive answers to are now showing their monstrous heads as if before I had only peaked at them in the dark; as if I didn't really understand, but now, after the fact it's all become clear. Clearer because of what? because my brain is drowning in extra hormones and stress? Right.

It sort of started about 3 weeks ago when after so many months of migraines and debilitating nausea I started to really hate myself for having only about 1/2 of the energy I used to have for baby G. All my "escapes" were gone (mostly culinary and wine-related) and my self-restraint became 0. I had no patience and continuously snapped at baby G (no longer a baby I don't think at 2 and 1/2) only to feel ashamed and regretful and broken hearted over disappointing him 30 seconds later. Then this feeling of resentment towards this pregnancy and the fact that the even ethereal presence of this baby is making me a worse parent to G. Yeah, resentment. Can I get the mom of the year award now please?

I love my son so much and I want him to have the best of me, all the time. And I want to have the energy to at least try to feed him good foods and play with him, and teach him things and just really be human around him. And now this baby was preventing all that and bringing the worse out of me. Shit! I'd made a mistake. Crap! How can I say that .. I really do love this baby, I feel so guilty for saying it. I mean if guilt-free I could terminate this pregnancy I wouldn't. We want this baby in our life. But I really can't stand myself anymore.

So I've been reading like a maniac cose that's what I do when I'm at an impasse. Mainly buddhist literature on handling anger and learning to live in the moment, separated from expectations, etc. All sorts of books on raising calm and compassionate children. And they've helped .. that with lemon balm tea which is really the only relaxing tea I can have. Some days though nothing can bring me back from the brink and I just want to stop existing, stop feeling and stop thinking. Mostly stop thinking. Today was one of those days. It hasn't gotten much better but at least I typed this. I am dreading now dealing with myself once G wakes up from his nap. I wish I could be with him without me. I'm so sick of me.

Itching to leave .. again.

I think it's something to do with elections in this country. As soon as people start campaigning I get this very strong urge to get the hell out of here. All these interviews and debates spark all sorts of uncomfortable questions the answers to which make me wonder whether this country is a good place to raise my family. Don't get me wrong, for a single person or a couple without kids this is the mecca. This is a great place to scavenge and rape (financially speaking) so you can make loads of cash (at least by comparison) to travel and do all sorts of fun stuff. Sure you have to work you butt off but generally it pays off.

But now I have other interests and the questions now span more than the next quarter or year. The questions now are: How the hell will I help pay for the college education of 2 kids when in 18 years is said to have increased to $100K per? How much time will it take to stop hating the people around me who generally view kids as an annoyance and don't want to ever have them around? And perhaps the most important question is: do I really want my kids growing up in a country where the general education level is decreasing so rapidly from generation to the next? I'm not so worried about my kids' education because I will take care of that if their school lags at something. I'm worried about their generation making decisions, voting, etc. Seems more unsafe then the ETA in Spain.

I watch politicians and the general population mouthing off about things that are so ridiculous and against EVERYONE's best interest. EVERYONE except for the large national and multinational corporations (make that their boards and investors) that fund campaigns. And 30+% of the population is just going along with all this crap about deregulation of environmental standards when we've seen the negative consequences of pollution. With continuing to not tax the uber-rich even though it's been proven that they don't consume any more or less either way. With failing to put tax money towards the things are matter .. long term investments in our citizens instead of short-term fear-induced money pumping into the pockets of the large DoD contractors with friendly connections to the Pentagon.

I like the article this chart came from in The Atlantic. It focuses on productivity but says so much about other things as well. The following explains this chart:

"Adjusted for inflation, home energy costs doubled between 1967 and 2003, and continued to rise in the last ten years. The cost of medical insurance is growing faster than wages. Tuition and higher education fees are growing even faster."

I'll stop here because I am depressing myself..

Oh the progesterone!!

Seemingly that's the reason one gets sick in the first trimester. It's also the reason why you're more violent, moody and bitchy in general.

Hubby's already adapted thankfully and totally ignores my general pissyness when it occurs. It's usually related with some task that wasn't finished. Yesterday I got in a financial planning kick, mostly because we haven't monitored our bills or debt or budget for the past 3+ months and I have grand plans like taking 4 months off starting with the 9th month and paying off all our outstanding debt which if we weren't so dumb would have been paid off by now, etc. Needless to say that took 5 hours worth of work (auto bill pay, projections for the next 6 months, etc) but at least it's all straight in my head and I know where we're at.

The above was also prompted by the fact that our house in the midwest did not get rented this school year which means $1400 more a month out of our pocket until we rent it to random people (ugh!) or sell it ( and lose about $30k due to the market being super crappy in that area currently .. more ugh!) which 1)pisses the crap out of me and 2)worries the crap out of me.

On the other hand the Toddler has been wonderful lately. Behaving and generally being a pleasure to be around. Yesterday he swatted at me (not for the purpose to hurt but just because i was tickling him) and I told him that he could have hurt me and it was not nice, etc (it's a whole verbal drill we do with him now since he's sort of slappy at school). He grabbed my face with his tiny hands and started giving me kisses all over the left side where he would have hit me saying "here, mommy? here?". I of course started to laugh because the level of detail was so cute. He suddenly got serious, held my face close to his, and said "not funny, mommy!" which is the first 3 word sentence I've heard him use so far. So I tried not to laugh and after a couple more kisses he asked if I'm all better and gave me a hug. Seriously, how cute is that?!

Food has become a chore just as it was last time I was pregnant. I can only eat small portions of food because I'm nauseous and get full quick, but not eating enough makes me fainty and weak and I start seeing spots or sometimes my vision all but disappears. I also have now a great amount of heartburn which isn't helped by the fact that I crave spicy foods and acidic stuff like tomato juice and fruit and stuff. So far the biggest cravings have been chocolate and udon noodle soup which thankfully I do a great job at making myself. Last time I craved Nutella pretty much my entire pregnancy .. that and cooked beef bone marrow spread on toast with salt. It's an Old Country thing. The other thing I miss now is wine which was not the case last time. I miss being able to take breaks from my own brain which is constantly wound up and thinking and planning and worrying.

Oh the week we've had ..

first of all we're not in the Old Country. We're still home because of the hurricane of course. I suppose we could have found another flight sometimes this week but I cancelled the whole trip for now. My father, the hypochondriac, is certain now he will die without seeing us ever again. Just like he's been certain for the past 10 years.. make that 30 I think. He does have some health issues but none that should warrant him guilt tripping us for years especially when he does nothing to alleviate those problems himself. I love the man but he's also crazy (for real) and right now I'm in roosting mode: I need all of my so-called "nuclear" family in one spot - preferably at home - within my reach; I need to be home to clean the house and make sure everyone eats healthy meals and all that domestic crap that some pregnant women feel. I didn't get this with Mr. G. but this time boy! after the earthquake and the hurricane I want to go nowhere! I want to stay home and clean the damned carpets, wash dishes and keep getting my paycheck. No one rock this boat please!

So I feel guilty (cose of dad) but I'm also jubilant (so happy to stay home) and also stressed (big deadline October 30th that may determine whether my contract gets renewed). That last one is a big one because if I don't get renewed I will be one very pregnant lady looking for work and in IT they know bringing someone in is a time investment .. heck it takes you about 2-4 weeks just to spin up on the project and really get going 100%. I'm also somewhat worried that they won't renew my contract here because I will be pregnant. As far as they're concerned why should they keep me if they know I'll be gone in 5 months and maybe not come back? I guess it depends on next year's schedule .. projects coming up, etc. Hopefully they'll keep me because of the maintenance cycle of the project I'm on now.

Either way I'm not saying anything at work about being pregnant although it's so damn obvious. Sooner or later someone will ask and I'll just scream "stop calling me fat!" burst into tears and run out of the office. That's the only plan I have so far.

This is going to sound bitchy ..

.. but J Lo is pissing me off. Observe the picture below. I don't know if she was trying to look like a mother tigress (that's at least what I like to believe) but she's coming off more like a sultry seductress: "don't mind the children .. what's your name. Just take me right here right now. Just shove them aside ... it's just me and you. Fuck them!"

At least that's what I see when I look at that picture. Dude (J Lo) .. you're singing repetitive dance songs with random wanna-be rappers and you're a w.o.m.a.n .. you're not Jenny from the block, you've got kids, yo! Start behaving appropriately. And the whole sultry "oh fuck me now pool boy" thing you've got going on in all these ads?! Overkill and unnecessary. You've procreated already .. all this seductress bullshit is par for the course for the young uninitiated human females who are going through their procreational prerogative stage.

That's my bit for today.

The "oy!s" of first trimester

I'm tired, everything takes 10 times the energy to accomplish (including getting out of the bed) and my breasts are so damn tender if it wasn't for bras I would probably be nude constantly. And Mr. G. has been very toddlery lately: you tell him not to do something then he pauses and with a grin on his face does it again louder/harder/etc. I swatted at him once while driving this weekend and then I felt like an idiot .. but there was milk everywhere in the back seat and he was screaming from the top of his lungs and kicking the seat in front of him while having a jolly good time and I had just about had it. Having a short fuse lately does not help. It was a very stupid reaction and it's teaching him the wrong thing. Although I could say I've learned it from him .. he's been hitting his friends at school for the last year even before I swatted him so there .. does that absolve my mismanagement of child? Probably not.

I really miss tea and multiple espressos a day and red wine .. a good Argentinian Malbec would do really nicely ... oo! or a South African Pinotage. I really do miss tea though and other than raspberry leaf seemingly all the other teas can induce labor or make you spout shoots out of your ass or god knows what else. I've read enough to be scared out of my mind. Meanwhile I know my mom had an occasional drink and even smoked during my pregnancy and I am relatively ok. Nowadays however it seems all you have to do is just touch some green tea or forget your prenatal vitamin with folic acid one day and you've doomed your child. I don't mean to sound too cynical because I will follow all the rules and then some but deep down I really doubt that all the pressure pregnant women have on themselves now is legitimate.

It's a secret ..

.. for now, but not for very long because I'm showing like I'm 3-4 months already although I'm only 5 weeks. That's right .. baby #2 (and last) is on her way. I am an environmental disaster, I know, creating little humans who trash and abuse this world just like their parents and grandparents. But my little offsprings will also be working while our retirement investments mature ensuring the continued profitability of the companies we've bought stock in. Not to speak of the those little tax-payers as a vehicle for continued social programs. So if I see one more disapproving look from some stranger passing by I'm going to get in their face and tell them they should kill themselves now because without these little cute terrors in our lives there would be no future. And I don't mean that in a metaphorical sense .. it's as practical as it gets. Bastards!

We're one week from our trip to the Old Country and Italy which really are so alike they could be one and the same. We're going to Italy because I have a friend there and because we found cheap tickets otherwise I would have preferred Austria or Spain or Morocco but this will be nice and relaxing. I heard Cinque Terre is beautiful. I really wish I would have gotten pregnant after this trip so I could eat and drink to my heart's desire but of course things didn't work out that way. Protection shmrotection!

But things are great! I am totally manic depressive nowadays (seemingly normal) one day I want to die and the next I'm in lala land. And although I've lost weight my belly popped out enough that I'm already in pregnancy pants.. and trying to keep this from people. Fail.

As a consequence I went shopping. Returned with mostly dark clothes but I have a couple of light ones in there, some stripes (I wonder where I got that idea) and one pair of shorts although I went to get jeans and only jeans. In fact I bought the most random selection of clothes ever and it was possibly the most expensive shopping trip I've ever had which doesn't say much because I rarely go shopping and even then it's for a couple of things on sale. But now I feel all fashionable and slightly less boring. The high heels I bought a couple of weeks ago but haven't worn yet are going back and I'm swapping them for arch support flats because my back hurts now. Which reminds me .. have you seen the models in those maternity adds for Motherhood and Pea in the pod with perfect posture and wearing 4 inch heels? I have a sudden desire to flog one of them.

More color please ..

I am a dark brown/black/gray person. Have always been even though I sort of hate it. I guess it's easier to speak as much about disappointment with the world as I do when you wear dark colors. But then I see myself in the mirror and get instantly pissed. Then decide I need more colorful clothes, go to the store, happilyreturn, open the bag and realize I have once again purchased something black, gray or dark brown. Fuck me!!

So today I saw on Fab this bracelet which totally captivated me. Captivated me enough to overlook it was going to cost close to $30 including shipping. But then of course I decided it was way too bold. What would I wear it with? Black? I'm not willing to stand out that much. Plus, don't you have to be in your 20s (somebody's gonna slap me) to wear bright colors? Probably not but I feel like an old old lady nowadays what with the energy vampire toddler and the lack of sleep and whatnot. Plus colorful stuff just looks fake on me .. kind of like if I were trying to pull off a frilly dress or really anything too girly. I want to feel comfortable in stuff like that but

just can't feel myself pulling it off. I usually end those visits to the dressing room with tears in my eyes from laughing my ass off.

So I didn't get the red which I sort of regret now. Instead I got this one (partly) made from cork which is really not that bland (yay me!).

Ok so I lied .. now that I'm glancing at my closet I do have more colors but they're all earth-toned and dark. Same difference.

This is all stuff from The Brooklyn Bakery jewelry store btw but for the life of me I can't find either their location or their store or a website.

I bore myself

Each time I am faced with the empty textarea of the blog I draw a blank or worse, the thoughts I try to express seem petty and uninspired. And they probably are. So here we go ..

I feel like an amorphous blob of ever changing emotions of which I don't seem to be in charge of. I know it's a matter of learning how to deal with them but so far mentally I'm a step behind catching up with my emotions. Does that make any sense? Probably not.

I've always been like that but not to this extent. After dealing with debilitating panic attacks for years I finally got put on paxil and things started to be a little more mellow. The panic attacks went away but I was also no longer reacting to things impulsively (good?), life became something to drudge through (bad). I had very little passion or drive (although friends would not recognize that as being the case) but I had very few highs and lows. I'm going to stop with the psych-speak now cose I am pretty much tired of all of it. This is hopefully my last bit about it. I'm stopping paxil and three things are happening:

1. I feel alive (for the lack of a better word) - it's almost like I've been sensory deprived on and off for the past 7 years

2. Some anxiety is coming back

3. I feel (do not laugh) like my mind is a wild horse I am trying not to tame but to learn how to tame

So far I have found buddhist ideas to be most helpful, especially the idea of mindfulness. I much prefer buddhism to paxil which has been a bitch to get off of. Withdrawal some say resembles that from heroin and the amount of nausea, dizziness, perceptual shittiness (can't come up with a better word) where the image your eyes see moves slower than your head, etc, in the past 2 months has been debilitating at times. But I can't really complain .. this drug has saved my life not by making it easier but by alleviating conditions which in the past have rendered me unable to function. I'm just hoping that I might be able to stop using it as it feels like I am cheating myself out of life.

It's interesting .. last time I stopped the paxil I had found out I was pregnant so shortly there after I went from a generally high dose to 0 which prompted a lot of nausea, etc, which we all attributed to the pregnancy. I did not however have any of these other symptoms. Turns out pregnancy in the 2nd and 3rd trimester acts the same way on the level of serotonin circulated in my brain as paxil. In the case of pregnancy, more serotonin gets created and in the case of the paxil the small amount of serotonin I have gets recycled (due to the pill's reuptake inhibitor 'feature') so it's the same as having more. That explains why while I was pregnant and off of paxil I really very few anxiety related issues but as soon as I stopped breastfeeding it came back with a vengeance.

But this is not a negative post. In fact I feel very liberated .. freaked out, but liberated nonetheless. Last drop down to an 1/8 of the medication happened 2 days ago and again the barrage of withdrawal symptoms are starting (takes about a month and 1/2 to really feel the effects of this change). In two weeks I pretty much have to stop taking it all together so we'll have to see what I can do to really enjoy our trip to Italy which happens at about the same time.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ..

So ashamed of my url

Ok... so just because it's true, it doesn't mean that I'm ok with it. In a moment of clarity I chose that URL .. amblingintoit .. and went ahead with making it public. But ever since then I've been ashamed of it, like trying to escape it by proving that "see? I'm in complete control"

Well, I'm not. A year+ into it and I'm nowhere close to in control. If my child kept repeating the same month over and over [thank goodness he doesn't] I might be .. I might have learned enough to deal with every mood and the stress and everything else. But that's not the way it goes. These kids .. they change every month, week, day .. sometimes every friggin' hour. They do!!! And by now I would want to be able to say "I've got the hang of this" but there is no 'this'. Nope. Not at all. So fuck you all nay-sayers. I don't care about you anymore because .. you know what?! I have no fucking idea what i'm doing most of the time.
1. I try to make it in to work on time but I fail most every day
2. I try to remember all of the preschool due dates and what not but fail 25% of the time [two boxes of baby shoes due this friday??! seriously?! I recycle those the next day after i buy the damn shoes!!]
3. I try to have home-made organic dinners 3 times a week but we usually end up eating take-out
4. I try to take a shower every day but guess what?! I don't
5. I try to give Mr. G a bath every night but it usually happens every other night
6. I try to show my hubby lovings every week but it doesn't usually happen that way .. usually I find a week when there are no molars coming in or sickness in the house and make it up for 1/2 of the month
7. worst of all, I try to be consistent with Mr. G. but sometimes it's easier to give in, and the hubby hates it .. yet I still disagree .. he will be raised well, the leeway he gets while 2 doesn't affect his LIFE .. I will totally be a hard ass on the 10 year old version of him
8. i will now definitely have to keep this domain because as much of a mess i am we've decided - mostly cose of my arguments - to have another child .. this year .. despite my best judgement.

So there we go. We're raising a good kid .. he's so compassionate and loving, giving hugs to classmates who are crying and loving babies, but being a hardass when it comes to sharing things with the parents - not with anyone else btw. Our place is rarely clean and the carpet has more stains than I've had sexual encounters. BUT there is hope. He loves to help: putting dishes in the dishwasher, cleaning his table, attempting to dress himself. And the hubby too is helping by modifying his behavior to use less manliness on Mr. G. and more cuddliness. He was raised in a very strict environment so it's hard to be judging.

The conclusion is [and yes, I am a closeted horoscope freak] that we want a Sagitarius baby because that would provide the best match of Mr. G. as a sibling and, secretly from hubby, that he himself being a sag. would change his parenting style to be more maneable. If the 2nd is a girl it's even better.

Deciding on this "should we have a 2nd" business is hard, so I'll speak more to it in next post.